Log in

serious awesomeness! [entries|friends|calendar]

[ turn off | the idiot box ]
[ look at me | i'm a winner! ]
[ i fell asleep | on my arm ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[25 Oct 2008|10:45pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

this past year... i've gone through a lot. my father passed away and didn't get to walk me down to the isle at my wedding or even have been given the chance for chris to ask him for permission to have my hand in marriage. shortly after his death my mother became deathly ill and took about 10 months to over come it. my brother left for the army and i took over as the new general manager at a restaurant after only working there for 2 months. (i'm still in "holy shit mode" over this). i got pregnant and lost it along with an ovary and fallopian tube. got pregnant a second time and had a miscarriage. i've slowly filtered through friends like water. coming to realize who i can honestly count on, rekindling old friendships, being more accepting to the fact that the ones i wanted to trust i couldn't while still trying to cope w/ the loss of those whom i lost 2 years ago in the complete bliss of happiness that i can never have back.

all systems go!

[07 Mar 2008|12:54am]
[ mood | confused ]


i should NOT be thinking this.

all systems go!

[26 Feb 2008|05:55am]
i was right about the factory.
i started on the 18th. i hate it. i'm not sure i'm going to go back to be honest.
i'm not going to lie. it was a tough job. it is a tough job. everyone says give it a few months and you'll get use to it. i'm sure i would. however, right now, i have a lot of shit going on in my life that i'm just not sure all the sacraficing is going to be worth.
reason 1. chris. the whole week i only saw him a few hours due to conflicting schedules. what did that a cause? fighting. alot of problems. we're trying to plan a wedding and i want to be a part of that. not to be asleep as the process develops. i don't want my marriage to end before it even happens.
reason 2. schedule. yeah, the set schedule is great. and the night pays better and i get to see rich again. which i love. however, like i said, i have alot going on that needs alot of my time. wedding mainly. plus i have to do my brothers and cousins graduation announcements. alot of shit that needs daylight hours and i would need to sleep through.
reason 3. family. mom's been sick w/ mersa since october. hasn't worked since october. granted, yeah, we need the money, but i'm needed here as well. she is tired alot from the mersa and doesn't have alot of energy to do things. they keep post poning surgeries because if they touch her it could make it worse until she heals.

i'm pretty confused right now.
i need to be in bed. my alarm is set for 10am. but i can't sleep.
all systems go!

[07 Feb 2008|11:44am]
i got offered a job... at a factory.
i put in my notice at circuit.

i miss my friends.
i miss having friends at all. period.
i get jealous when i hear other people mention all their fun times w/ friends... espically when it involved my friends and not me.

i miss the old me too.
the pierced, colored hair, mohawked, care-free, happy go lucky me.

i have another interview today. for a photography position.
i probably won't get the job.
but i hope i do.
i think i'll enjoy that more than a factory.
2 feel the wrath of the super rad | all systems go!

[31 Jan 2008|07:34pm]
[ mood | confused ]

i almost forgot i had this thing. it's a good thing i remembered because i'm at work and i'm bored out of my skull. i can't complain about that though because i hate my job. i honestly hate it. and i'd rather be bored at it then have my boss down my throat like i always do. i applied at silgan today. matthew did my interview, so hopefully that helped. /crosses fingers. i really need out of retail.

nothing else really new in my life. i just tured 22. big deal. despite how much we bicker, i have a great fiancee. i think most of the bickering is my fault. sometimes i think my family raised me to have too high of expectations and standards that most people will never be able to meet. though, i'm not sure i want to lower my expectations just to avoid an occasion quarrel. /shrugs.

sometimes i wonder if i have friends. not because no one talks to me but because everyone's so busy i don't ever see people. another factor that my job takes play in. fucker.

i don't know what i want. and not just with material posessions so my obsession w/ not knowing what i want in life is starting to take over that aspect as well. i don't know what i want in life. in my career. in my relationships with others. one minute i want something and the next i can't stand it and would rather something else.

i put in every pound that i had lost before my dad died since my dad died. i want to lose it and then some but i'm very busy and stressed and can't. this causes more stress and severe depression.

i have a pain in my hand. and i've had a sharp pain in my hip for almost a week now. i have no medical insurance so i can't go to a doctor.

this post has absolutely no relevance to anything.

all systems go!

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!! [28 Nov 2007|07:41pm]
[ mood | loved ]

that's right!!
chris popped the question!

he told me a couple weeks ago that we were gonna get a hotel in pittsburgh so we could spend some time alone and maybe do some shopping. he didn't tell me all of the details no matter how much i begged.
come monday when he came to pick me up for this pittsburgh expedition, he started going a complete different direction. i pointed that out and all he said was "i know". eventually he showed me the brochure of where we were really going.
a 3 story cabin in amish country. when we got there we entered through the bottom floor and there was an indoor waterfall and a heartshaped jacuzzi in it's own little loft. upstairs was the kitchen and living room w/ a fireplace and the upstairs loft had the bedroom.
we sat by the fire and talked for a while then he cooked me dinner (chicken parm, my favorite). after that we went back to the couch and he got all shaky and started giving me his speal on how much he loves me and all that good stuff and eventually said "will you marry me". the ring is gorgous and here is a link to the cabin:

the rest of the night is private. :)

i'ma put pictures up of the cabin later tonight on facebook and myspace. if i remember.

all systems go!

[24 Nov 2007|01:06pm]
i need a picture of my tattoo
all systems go!

[03 May 2005|12:23am]
[ mood | happy ]

friends only

8 feel the wrath of the super rad | all systems go!

[ viewing | most recent entries ]